Why You Feel Like You are Navigating an Emotional Minefield

Hello, everyone. Today we're going to discuss why you might feel like you're navigating an emotional minefield in your relationship. Thank you so much for joining. I'm Danielle Sebastian, and I'd like to share a bit about why I'm here today.

Eight years ago, my husband revealed a terrible history of childhood abuse at the hands of the church. At that time, we were struggling in our marriage, and it was only then that my husband was able to reveal this to anyone in his life. This revelation made many of the issues we had been experiencing in our relationship make a lot more sense.

My mission is to help other couples identify the signs of trauma, understand what's happening in their relationship, and manage these issues in a healthier way.

Recognizing the Signs

Let's discuss some of the things I experienced that I couldn't initially identify as trauma-related.

• Control: My husband had an uncontrollable need to control our environment and relationship dynamics. This began when we were dating and intensified after we married and started living together. He controlled everything from where things were placed in the house to how long showers could be. This caused significant friction in our relationship.

• Emotional Outbursts: Simple requests, like asking him to put the dishes away, would trigger extreme emotional reactions. It felt as though I had personally attacked his character. No matter what I said or did, these reactions persisted, and I couldn't figure out how to make things better.

• Withdrawal: Whenever we seemed to make progress, he would pull away. During conflicts, he would retreat to the basement for days, completely disengaging from communication.

Understanding the Behaviors

Many of these behaviors stem from coping mechanisms developed during childhood to survive a chaotic and damaging environment. In an adult relationship, these mechanisms can become hurtful and harmful.

• Control: Childhood trauma survivors often use control to feel safe. They had no control over their abuse, so as adults, they try to control their environment and relationships. This need for control isn't necessarily about you as a partner but rather about keeping themselves safe.

• Pushing People Away: Survivors may push people away to protect themselves from further harm. They don't want others to see their vulnerable side and may sabotage relationships to avoid getting too close.

• Extreme Emotional Reactions: Survivors often carry deep-seated shame and guilt. They may lash out when they feel blamed, dismissed, or unheard. This stems from their unresolved feelings of shame and guilt from their abuse.

• Withdrawal and Isolation: This can be a psychological retreat from their surroundings and themselves. It often feels like a switch flips, and nothing can bring them out of it. This behavior developed as a way to dissociate from the abuse they endured.

• Mental Health and Substance Abuse: The shame, guilt, and pain from trauma can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Substance abuse is also higher among trauma survivors as they seek to escape their complex feelings.

Conclusion

Understanding these behaviors helps explain why they occur and how they affect your relationship. Dr. Blair Davis, who wrote the foreword for my book, perfectly captured this: "If somebody's behaviors don't make sense and you find yourself saying, 'Why did they do that? How did they think that would be a good idea? Don't they see they're not helping the situation?' There may be something in their past experiences that can explain how they are responding to those experiences, environments, and relationships."

I hope you found this helpful. For more in-depth information, subscribe to my newsletter, where we delve deeper into the trauma survivor's brain and how to manage triggers in a relationship. Feel free to reach out with any questions about how childhood trauma affects adult relationships. I'm here to help.