What to Tell Your Kids When Your Relationship Feels Messy

Have you ever found yourself wondering how to shield your kids from the hard stuff while still being real with them?

If your relationship has hit a rough patch, you’re probably feeling stretched thin—working through your own emotions while trying to protect your kids from the ripple effects. It’s a lot to manage, and figuring out what to say (or not say) to your kids can feel like walking a tightrope.

Here’s the truth: you can be honest with your kids in a way that’s loving, age-appropriate, and reassuring. It won’t just help them—it’ll also strengthen your connection as a family.

Let’s explore how.

Why Talking to Your Kids Matters

Kids pick up on everything. Even if you’re careful not to argue in front of them, they sense the tension, the silences, and the moments when things feel off.

Without clear communication, kids are left to fill in the blanks, often assuming the worst—or even blaming themselves. That’s why it’s so important to have honest, open conversations that create emotional safety.

Talking to your kids about your relationship struggles isn’t about oversharing; it’s about helping them feel secure, loved, and supported, no matter what’s happening.

What to Say (and What Not to Say)

When discussing tough topics with your kids, the goal is to be honest without overwhelming them. Here’s how:

What to Say:

• Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault: “Sometimes adults have big feelings to work through, but it’s never because of anything you did.”
• Be Honest Without Oversharing: “We’re working on some things as a team, but we both love you so much.”
• Explain Triggers (for Older Kids): “Sometimes Daddy gets upset because of things that happened a long time ago. It’s not about you—it’s just something he’s working on.”
• Focus on Stability: “Even when we have disagreements, we’re here for you, and we’re still a family.”

What Not to Say:

• Don’t Blame Your Partner: Avoid language like “Mom/Dad always does this.” It’s unfair to put kids in the middle.
• Don’t Overload Them with Details: Keep the focus on their emotional safety, not the specifics of your struggles.
• Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep: Stick to what you know for sure—like your unconditional love for them.

How We Approached These Conversations

In our family, we chose to be pretty open with our kids in an age-appropriate way. We explained that there are bad people in the world who do bad things. We told them that bad people had hurt Daddy in the past, and now he was working hard to deal with those experiences and hold those people accountable.

We also made sure they knew two things:

1. This had nothing to do with them.
2. We were there for each other as a family, no matter what.

As our kids got older, we added more layers of understanding. We talked about triggers—what they are, how they can affect Daddy, and how giving him space during tough moments could really help. These conversations weren’t always easy, but they helped our kids feel included and secure.

Tools to Help You Navigate These Conversations

Here are some practical tips to guide these important talks:

1. Time It Right: Pick a calm moment when emotions aren’t running high.
2. Keep It Short and Simple: Kids don’t need a long explanation—just enough to feel reassured.
3. Invite Questions: Let them ask what’s on their mind and answer honestly, within age-appropriate boundaries.
4. Check In Regularly: These conversations aren’t one-and-done. Keep the dialogue open so your kids know they can come to you anytime.

Why This Matters for Your Family

These conversations aren’t just about managing a tough moment—they’re about creating a foundation of trust and safety for your kids.

• It Helps Them Feel Secure: Even when things feel uncertain, they’ll know they’re loved and supported.
• It Builds Resilience: You’re teaching them how to face challenges with honesty and courage.
• It Strengthens Your Connection: Open communication reminds your kids that you’re always in their corner.

A Little Reminder for the Tough Days

When things feel overwhelming, remember:

• You don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be present.
• Small, consistent steps make a big difference over time.
• You’re not alone. Support is out there, and it’s okay to ask for help.