Trauma in Marriage: Why Date Nights Aren't Enough

Do you ever feel like there's an impenetrable wall between you and your husband? Like he's distant or perhaps even seems to avoid spending time with you? If so, you're not alone. There's an often-overshadowed reason that might be influencing his behavior: unresolved childhood trauma.

Before diving in, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Danielle Sebastian, and today, I want to unpack a topic that doesn't get the attention it deserves. Your husband's distant demeanor might be deeply rooted in past experiences that continue to shape his present actions and feelings. For years, I struggled to make sense of my seemingly-doomed marriage. It was only after uncovering the truth that everything began to click -my husband revealed for the first time to anyone a horrifying history of childhood sexual trauma at the hands of the church. After enduring many struggles with little guidance, I realized that his trauma was impacting our relationship in many ways.

Understanding the Barriers to Intimacy for Trauma Survivors

1. Trust: It's not hard to fathom why trust becomes a scarce commodity for trauma survivors. When a person's trust is shattered early on, restoring it in adulthood, especially within intimate relationships, becomes a mammoth task.
2. Fear: The specter of past pain casts a long shadow, making survivors wary of reliving similar anguish. This dread can deter them from forging close connections, lest they risk more pain.
3. Deep-rooted Emotional Issues: Childhood trauma is akin to an emotional scar that persists long after the incident. Such scars can impede trust, disrupt communication, and stifle the formation of deep, meaningful relationships in adulthood. 

Understanding the Impact: Why Date Nights Alone Aren't Enough

While date nights can be a wonderful way to reconnect, they may not always suffice, especially when underlying issues are grounded in trauma. In some cases, they could even amplify the existing problems.

Breaking Down Barriers: Three Steps to Foster Connection

Drawing from my journey, I share three essential steps that have guided our path to deeper connection.

• Educate Yourself: Immerse yourself in understanding childhood trauma and its reverberating impact on adult relationships. The more cognizant you are of the nuances of complex trauma, the better you can tailor your support to your partner's unique needs.
• Separate Trauma from Identity: It's pivotal to understand that you aren't the root cause of your partner's trauma responses. His distant behavior is likely a protective mechanism he unconsciously employs, a vestige from times when closeness might have meant danger. Remember, while his reactions stem from past traumas, they aren't a direct reflection of your relationship.
• Cultivate a Safe Space: Encourage open communication by fostering an environment where your partner feels safe. Create an aura of acceptance, where he can lay bare his vulnerabilities without fear of judgment. This takes time, patience, and empathy, but it is an essential cornerstone for healing.

Conclusion: Embrace the Journey of Transformation

Supporting a partner grappling with childhood trauma requires a delicate balance of understanding, patience, and informed action. Instead of relying solely on conventional relationship strategies, equip yourself with the knowledge and tools tailored to address the root of the challenge. Together, you can journey towards healing and rediscover the closeness you both yearn for.

Questions to Reflect On:

How well do I understand my partner's past and its impact on our relationship? Taking a moment to genuinely assess this can guide your next steps in supporting and understanding them.

What immediate changes can I implement to foster a safer, more open environment for communication? Think about ways, big or small, that you can make your shared space more inviting for candid conversations.

Am I setting aside my preconceived notions and judgments when listening to my partner? Reflect on whether you're genuinely open to understanding, or if you're inadvertently overlaying your own perspectives onto their experiences.

How am I taking care of my own emotional well-being while supporting my partner? Remember, it's crucial to ensure you're emotionally equipped to provide support without feeling drained.

What resources or professional help can we seek together? There are many therapists and counselors specialized in trauma. Could this be the next step for you both?

Have I communicated my feelings and concerns to my partner, and if so, how did they react? This reflection can offer insights into both your communication methods and your partner's current state of receptiveness.

Breaking the Silence: Resources for Wives Supporting Trauma Survivors

In my mission to empower other wives in similar journeys, I offer resources on my website. Explore an illuminating video where I discuss communication strategies and share the secrets that have helped sustain our loving relationship.  Check out my free video on the 4 Secrets I Learned That Helped Keep My Marriage Together.  

These 4 secrets are what I wish desperately that someone had been able to tell me when I learned about my husbands trauma.