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Surviving the Unseen: My Hidden Battle...

Aug 18, 2024

In my recent chat with Ahna Fulmer on The Imperfectly Empowered Podcast, we dove deep into some of the most critical aspects of my journey—recognizing the signs of trauma that I initially missed, understanding why people often don’t speak up even when they know something isn’t right, and how my husband and I talked to our kids about everything we were going through. These are the conversations that many of us shy away from, but they’re so important for healing and moving forward. This episode is packed with practical advice and insights that are invaluable for anyone dealing with similar struggles, making it a must-save and shared resource for those who may be going through the same challenges.

I wish I had known the signs of trauma much sooner because when I first got married, I noticed things in my husband that didn’t make sense—like how he was overly controlling about little things or how he’d suddenly withdraw emotionally for days. Simple requests, like asking for help with the dishes, could trigger an intense reaction. At the time, I didn’t understand what was happening, but looking back, these were clear symptoms of deeper issues rooted in his past trauma. It wasn’t until years later, after we hit a real low point, that he finally revealed he had been a victim of childhood abuse. That revelation was both heartbreaking and enlightening, as I realized his behaviors weren’t about me; they were a result of the trauma he had endured.

In my conversation with Ahna Fulmer, we discussed just how crucial it is to recognize these signs in your partner. Some might seem subtle, like avoiding discussions about their childhood, while others are more obvious, like a need to control everything around them. This need for control isn’t about you—it’s about them trying to create a sense of safety in a world where they once felt powerless. There’s also dissociation, where they might shut down emotionally, becoming almost unreachable. This survival mechanism, developed during their traumatic experiences, can be incredibly tough on a relationship, and I can’t help but think how much easier things might have been if I had known all of this earlier.

We also discussed why the symptoms of trauma often start to emerge later in life. The reasons are complicated—shame, guilt, and the fear of not being believed or causing pain to loved ones often keep survivors silent for years. Many have been conditioned to keep their abuse a secret, and even as adults, opening up about it can feel impossible. But it’s not just the survivors who stay silent; sometimes, the people around them—those who notice something isn’t right—also remain quiet out of fear, discomfort, or not wanting to interfere. These bystanders are often groomed by the perpetrators themselves, manipulated into doubting what they see or believing that everything is normal. Perpetrators are skilled at creating an environment where those around them are complicit through their silence, either because they’re convinced there’s nothing wrong or because they’re too afraid to speak up. This collective silence only leads to more isolation for the survivor and hinders the healing process.

"If something doesn’t seem right and you know something is suspicious, it’s up to us to say something and to try and hit it head on," I shared during the interview. "Because if one person would have done that for Adam, this whole situation might be different today."

Talking to kids about trauma is another sensitive but necessary part of this journey. My husband and I realized early on that our kids needed to know the chaos at home wasn’t their fault. We kept things simple and age-appropriate, telling them that some people do really bad things, and that their dad was working hard to heal from the effects of those bad things. The key was honesty and constant reassurance that they weren’t to blame. As they grew older, we’ve been more open about how his past affects his present behavior, helping them understand what triggers are and how they manifest.

"Just like the spouse feels blamed and like they’re doing all this wrong stuff, so do your kids. We realized pretty early on that we needed to sit them down and give them some information, and really reiterate again and again that none of this is their fault."

Creating an environment of transparency at home has been crucial in helping us deal with the shame and guilt that often accompany these issues.

To support others in similar situations, I developed a framework called "WifeCARE," which is designed to help spouses support their partners through trauma recovery. This isn’t just a set of tips—it’s a lifeline for those who feel overwhelmed and alone in their journey.

Here are some key takeaways from my journey:

  1. Recognize the Signs: If your spouse avoids talking about their childhood, exhibits controlling behavior, or withdraws during conflicts, these could be signs of unresolved trauma.
  2. Understand the Reasons for Silence: Survivors often don’t speak up due to shame, guilt, and fear. It’s important to create a safe space for them to open up without judgment.
  3. Separate Yourself from the Behavior: Remember that your spouse's actions are not about you—they’re rooted in their past trauma.
  4. Build a Support System: You can’t do this alone. Having a team of professionals and a solid support network is crucial.
  5. Prioritize Self-Care: The more you take care of yourself, the better you’ll be able to handle the challenges that come your way.
  6. Talk to Your Kids: Be honest with your children in an age-appropriate way, and reassure them that they are not to blame. Transparency can help strip away the power of shame and guilt.

If any of this resonates with you or someone you know, I encourage you to listen to the full podcast episode. There’s so much more I shared about our struggles, breakthroughs, and the healing journey that has brought us to where we are today.

Listen Now and Share:

I’d love for you to tune in to The Imperfectly Empowered Podcast  on Spotify (also on Apple) and listen to my interview with Ahna Fulmer. Whether you’re supporting a spouse through trauma recovery or just want to better understand how past abuse can impact relationships, this episode is definitely worth a listen. You can find it on your favorite podcast platform.  Please, please, please share with anyone else you think would benefit from this.

For more resources and to learn more about the WifeCARE framework, visit my website. You’re not alone in this journey—healing and empowerment are within reach.

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