Secrets to Understanding Your Partner’s Triggers

Partners of childhood trauma survivors. Do you ever feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells in your relationship? Well, today I am going to do something a little bit different, and I have a free download “Spotting the Signs: How a Traumatic Past May Be Impacting Your Relationship” and I’m going to walk through how I use this guide to walk my clients through understand the triggers that are impacting THEIR relationship. 

Those of you who are in a relationship with someone who's had a traumatic past, you understand very well the unpredictability that your marriage can provide. It feels like you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, that you just never know what you're going to say that is going to set your partner off, and for them to lash out in some way. It just really feels like you're walking very delicately in a field of landmines.  

I want you to know, first and foremost, that you are not alone, that others have experienced the same thing, and we have been able to overcome it. 

To understand the unpredictability of emotions, you first need to understand the trauma survivors brain.  Why what occurred to them in the past is causing issues in your current relationship.

What is a trigger?

I felt like the work trigger is thrown around a lot, and there are detailed definitions of what a trigger is. But it wasn't really helpful for me as a partner of someone with childhood trauma. I just wanted a simple definition of what it looks like, why it’s happening, and what I could do when it occurs. Essentially, a trigger is when an emotional button is pushed and we are reminded of some memory or situation in our past. It's deep rooted in the subconscious and it comes out in a physical response.  In most cases, when you are triggered you can't put words to what is happening. 

When you will notice in your partner that they seem to react to something in a way that feels uncomfortable and unnecessarily loaded with extreme emotion, that’s what a trigger looks like.

The Trauma Survivors Brain

A trauma survivor's brain was changed because of the trauma that occurred to them.  Their childhood was very unpredictable. They never knew when the abuse was gonna happen, they didn't know what would set someone off, they didn't know what was waiting from them around the corner. This trained them to be in a constant state of hyperalertness. Looking for danger everywhere.  When they sense danger, this will trigger them to a fight, flight or freeze response. This response was critical for them to survive the abuse, but unfortunately, this also trained them to sense danger when it isn’t there. In adult relationships, their brain trained them to respond when they feel blamed, hurt or shamed.   

This is why you can see those uncomfortable or unnecessarily loaded responses to you asking for help with the dishes or to asking them to do something differently.  They sense that someone is telling them they aren’t good enough or that they are wrong and you are right.

In a relationship, these responses don't make sense to the partner which then causes relationship distress.  When there is relationship distress, the survivor becomes even more hyper alert to what their partner says and does.  This then causes distance, defensiveness and distrust and the cycle continues on and on until something can come in and disrupt this cycle.

Activity Time

Now it's your turn.  Grab my free download “Spotting the Signs: How a Traumatic Past May Be Impacting Your Relationship” and watch the above video as  I walk through how I use this guide to walk my clients through understand the triggers that are impacting YOUR relationship. What are some of the behaviors that would indicate that your partner has been triggered?  How are these triggers impacting your relationship? How can you identify it when it's occurring at the time?

What’s Next

Next week I'm going to address some of the things you can do to diffuse the triggers so that you don’t feel like you are in this field of landmines.