3 Ways to Combat “Quiet Quitting” in Your Marriage

I've been hearing about this concept of quiet quitting when it comes to people and their jobs. But, I've been talking to a lot of wives lately and the phrase quiet quitting made me think about how I feel a lot of people are feeling in their marriage. The idea behind this is that people who are struggling in their marriages have decided to just quietly resign to do the bare minimum, just to get by.  After so many times of trying to get your feelings across and not having any results, it's really easy to just internally withdraw. You may still physically be there but mentally and emotionally, you've checked out.

If you're married to someone who has a history of childhood trauma, it is exhausting. It is easy to feel undervalued, unnoticed and unappreciated. And this feeling of overwhelm by the relationships challenges can make you decide that you no longer want to invest the same level of emotional energy. Believe me, I get it!

Headlines

I took a little peek at the internet to see if this really was a thing or if it was just something that I had been experiencing. Sure enough I found a few articles about quite quitting in relationships and a couple of them were extremely eye opening.

One of them was particularly interesting and it basically said, if you can't leave your husband and nothing works to change things, consider checking out instead. Give yourself the gift of giving up!  It even provided some strategies for quiet quitting in your marriage.

Some of my favorite tips included:

• Reframe your marriage as a job. When you have a foolish boss you hate, you can still humor them and even interact with them in a friendly productive way. However, knowing it's fake helps. Try the same approach with your husband. You don't have to be mean, just emotionally uninvested.
• Match his effort. It's pretty hard for him to argue that you should do things he's unwilling to. Though he'll definitely try!
• Stop taking him on family vacation. He just ruines them anyway.
• Stop covering for him. Don't get gifts for his family. Don't remind him of medical appointments. Let him fall on his selfish face.

I think you know where I'm going here, and that is that this quiet quitting does appear to be a pretty dangerous approach and it can really take its toll on both partners.  I do think that there are some better ways to handle things.

On a more serious note, the literature does show us that of all of the symptoms that cause problems in marriages, avoidance and numbing accounts for the largest reason that people seek divorce. It comes from a belief that, of course, that person doesn't care at all. The studies also show that in families where this avoidance and numbing is occurring, that they were less likely to attend family therapy or ask for help.

In some ways checking out may feel empowering, like you are actually doing something. But I want to let you know right now that you deserve better! You do deserve to have connection and healthiness in your marriage, where you are both able to connect and be yourself.

The good news is that making some changes in your relationship doesn't have to be about major changes in lifestyle, but rather just making some minor tweaks in how you respond and how you take care of yourself.

 

When my husband and I were in the throes of the worst parts of our marriage, my husband was able to reveal to me a terrible history of childhood abuse at the hands of the church. We've spent the last eight years healing. We both got to a point where it seemed like we were resigned to how things were, but we've been able to work through it and we now are happy and healthy. We think that we made it through for a reason and that is to help others with our story.

We want others to stop this quiet quitting and do some things starting today that can make a difference in your marriage.

Game Plan

If you are ready to start making some changes in your relationship, you need a game plan.

- ** Start recognizing how trauma is impacting your marriage! **  The first thing you're gonna do is you're going to start recognizing how trauma is impacting YOUR marriage. You need to start uncovering these hidden layers and understand how your husband's childhood trauma is affecting your relationship. The trauma brain plays time and reality tricks on your partner. And when a trigger happens, you are not to blame. This is so liberating to learn that you're not to blame. 

- ** Stop thinking it’s you! **  You need to stop thinking that you did something wrong and instead it's these deep emotions from the past coming to the surface. 

 - **Get yourself a supportive network.** I can guarantee that if you are retreating and you are numb, you need support because you're feeling isolated and lonely. This is the first step towards getting that support that you need. 

 - **Start creating healthy boundaries**   This is super hard, but it is absolutely necessary for getting out of this rut that you're in and that is to start creating healthy boundaries. Once you can start to identify how the trauma is causing problems in your marriage, the next step is to start dealing with them.

Questions to Reflect Upon:  

1. Do I recognize any patterns of silent withdrawal in my relationship? When did I first notice the onset of these patterns? Was there a triggering event?
2. Do I have a supportive network outside of my relationship? How do they influence my perspective?
3. Have I set clear boundaries in my relationship? Are they respected?
4. How do I envision the future of my relationship if current patterns continue?

Conclusion: 

Silent withdrawal might be a quiet act, but its repercussions can be loud and clear. I want you to take some steps today to pull yourself out of this to keep the lines of communication open and nurture the bond that you shared with your husband.

If you're looking for a more detailed step by step game plan, you need to check out my "Permission to be Selfish" five day video course. This course will jumpstart you towards getting out of this rut that you're in towards becoming healthier and happier in your relationship.  Sign up Now!