How to Manage Triggers So That You Aren't the Punching Bag

Partners of childhood trauma survivors, have you tried everything to manage the emotional minefield of navigating your partner's trauma triggers?  I want to talk through real-life strategies to manage triggers that keep you from being the punching bag.

My Story

I started this journey about 8 years ago, when I was in the midst of a struggling marriage.  It wasn't until things got so bad in our relationship, when I decided I'd had enough, that my husband was able to reveal for the first time to anyone a terrible, terrible history of childhood abuse at the hands of the Church.  At that moment, I knew this was the thing that I couldn't put my finger on, the puzzle piece I was missing that we could potentially fix that was causing so many issues in our relationship. 

But, what I learned was that dealing with childhood trauma and how it affects relationships is something that usually gets worse before it gets better. And it's really important for partners of someone who's experienced childhood trauma to understand what is going on in a trauma survivor's brain and why the reactions that you're seeing are different than other situations. 

The bottom line is this:  Childhood trauma survivors have developed certain techniques, certain coping mechanisms during their childhood because of the abuse that really served them well when they were children. It helped them survive. It helped them get to where they are today. But unfortunately, many of those coping mechanisms and survival skills just don't serve them in adult relationships. If you are a partner it can feel very harmful, unpredictable and controlling.

My last blog post I really dived into the trauma survivors brain and how you can identify triggers that may be occurring in your relationship. Check out my free download “Spotting the Signs: How a Traumatic Past May Be Impacting Your Relationship” that gives you some worksheets to really start diving into how you identify triggers and how they play out in your day to day lives.

As a follow-up, today I want to give you tools to identify when your partner has been triggered and proven ways to diffuse the situation so that you can really get to the bottom of things without things escalating.

What is a trigger?

Let’s recap what a trigger really is and what it looks like. A trigger is when it feels like there's been a button pushed in your relationship. It's when your husband's senses are heightened and they respond in ways that just don't feel comfortable, or they feel unnecessarily loaded against you. What's important to know about these triggers is that this is a physical response that comes up, and it's very, very difficult when someone has been triggered to actually be rational and have good discussions about what's going on. 

Why do triggers occur?

A trauma survivor’s brain is rewired due to their past experiences. They're constantly hyper-alert to danger, which makes sense, right? Imagine being a child in an unpredictable environment, constantly hurt without knowing when it would happen next. Naturally, you'd be looking over your shoulder all the time, vigilant for signs of danger.

In relationships, certain triggers can set off these hyper-alert responses. Our goal is to identify these triggers and understand why they cause the fight, flight, or freeze reactions.

When these responses occur, if they're not handled with care and understanding, they can cause significant relationship distress. If you're here, you're likely experiencing this. Relationship distress leads to distance, defensiveness, and distrust, which makes your partner even more hyper-alert to danger. It can feel like nothing you do is right.

To break this cycle, something needs to change.

What are some common trigger responses, and how do they look in your relationship? 

Think about how your partner usually responds to a trigger. It could be one specific way or a mix, but there are typically one or two dominant reactions.

First, there's the fight response, which shows up as irritability and anger. Your partner might get bothered by the smallest things, with their anger feeling sudden and uncontrollable. They might be easily overstimulated by noises or touches that wouldn't normally bother you, like a tap on the shoulder or loud noises.

Then there's the flight response, which manifests as avoidance. This can look like low mood, intense sadness, feelings of worthlessness, or a general sense of hopelessness. They might say things like, "I don't think this relationship is worth it anymore," or express a belief that the future is doomed.

Lastly, the freeze response involves isolation. Your partner may retreat within themselves, leading to long periods of silence and unresponsiveness. It can feel like nothing you say or do will bring them out of it.

By recognizing these patterns, you can better understand your partner's triggers and responses, helping to break the cycle of distress.

Take a minute and think about your relationship.  How are these playing out in your relationship? What are you seeing?

What can I do that won’t make things worse?

Now, let me share some strategies I've found really helpful in my own relationship, and that others have also found useful in managing triggers. The biggest, most important, and yet hardest thing to grasp is that the blame game is real when a trigger happens. Those fight, flight, or freeze responses are often directed towards you, simply because of your close contact. While we all make mistakes and have our flaws, remember that you are usually not the issue when a trauma response occurs. The real issue stems from deep-seated emotions tied to past trauma. Even if something you said or did triggered your partner, it’s typically not the root cause. So, let’s talk about how to address the real issue in practical terms.

First, you need to "buff your armor" and separate yourself from those trauma responses. When you encounter eye-rolling, dismissive comments, or silence, recognize that these are not about you. It's not easy, but it's crucial.

Next, use the PAUSE method, a technique I've developed to calm conflict and deal with triggers effectively.

P: Provide space and time. When a trigger response surfaces, it’s best to disengage. Leave the room if needed. For example, if you get eye-rolls or dismissive comments, say something like, “I feel like something else is going on here, and I'd love to talk about it when things have calmed down.” Then, give them space.

A: Ask if they’re ready to talk. When you think they might be ready, ask if they want to discuss what happened. If they’re not ready, respect that and give them more time.

U: Unlock your inner Sherlock. Look for signs that the trigger has subsided. You’ll often know when they start a conversation or touch your shoulder. This can take a while, so be patient.

S: Seek support. During these tough times, lean on your support system. It’s challenging to keep pausing, especially when advice often says, “Don’t go to bed mad,” but this approach doesn’t work well for trauma survivors.

E: Engage in a chat. Once the storm has passed, come back to what happened and address the root cause of the emotion. It’s usually not about the immediate trigger, but something else like a bad day at work or upsetting texts from a family member. For example, in my case, my husband has a bad back, and when it flares up, it can trigger him. So, during your conversation, talk about how you feel and how you can handle similar situations in the future. Encourage your partner to give you a heads-up when they're having a tough day, so you’re prepared and can avoid unnecessary conflict.

By using these steps, you can help manage triggers and work towards resolving the deeper issues in your relationship.

Conclusion

These are the actual techniques I use and continue to use to help diffuse conflict. I hope you found this helpful. Remember to grab my download for more detailed guidance. If you're looking for more information on triggers, check out what I put out last week—CLICK HERE.

What’s Next

Next week, I’ll be talking about how to spot signs that childhood trauma triggers are causing issues in your relationship. Thanks for joining, and I look forward to diving deeper into this important topic with you.