Understanding & Navigating Emotion Swings in Partners with Childhood Trauma

Today, let's explore the emotional whirlwind of a relationship with someone who survived childhood trauma.

You may be experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions where one minute things seem to be going great and then out of the blue, your husband becomes irritable, lashes out, or sulks and is avoidant. You can't seem to figure out what will upset your partner and you want your partner to be happy. But, you always seem to hit a wall. Something as simple as asking your partner to put the dishes away after dinner. It seems like he can take it as a personal attack or some sort of questioning of his character as a person. Sometimes things can escalate to the point where you will hear things like “you're just like the rest of them,” “you don't listen to me,” or “you'll never be able to understand.” Often these words are usually followed by silence or an abrupt exit, either from the room or sometimes even the relationship. 

You’re thinking “What just happened? What am I missing here?!” And even worse, you may start to question your own sanity. Thinking “maybe I am asking too much, maybe this is too much for my husband” or just thinking “I think that I might be going crazy.” 

I know what this feels like because eight years ago I was experiencing these things from my husband and it was only after we reached rock bottom that my husband was able to reveal to anyone, for the first time ever, a terrible history of childhood trauma at the hands of the church. This was a huge realization in our marriage. But, I realized I just didn't have the tools to understand what the healing process meant and how we can heal together. I looked everywhere for resources and there was very little to be found for spouses, especially those of us spouses of male survivors. 

However, there's a silver lining!

Fast forwarding to today. My husband and I are in a happy and healthy relationship. It took a lot of patience, and we had to learn a lot about the healing process on our own through trial and error. But I'm hoping that you can learn from our story and we truly believe that we made it through for a reason and that was to help others who are in the same position. 

The first step to healing is really understanding.

Healing and education really do go together when you are married to someone who has suffered childhood trauma. But, before I get to some things that you can start doing today when you experience those emotions, things that will not make things worse, I want to talk about why this irregularity of emotions is occurring. 

The thread that runs through survivors' lives is trauma. And when the thread of trauma is pulled, intentionally or not, the male survivor acts out in behaviors such as anger, withdrawal, isolating themselves or even just passive aggression. It's this thread that is a great source of instability and predictability that you are experiencing anger may be a bigger issue with male survivors as young boys really don't have that many acceptable outlets to change their behavior except for anger.  This responding in anger often occurs because of these childhood triggers that are happening.

You need to understand that the trauma they experienced was usually in the context of their day to day mundane activities of life. You as a partner who are day-to-day, 24/7 with your husband will most likely trigger the past without even knowing it. Knowing that these triggers will occur, and will continue to occur, the first thing is to start to try to identify them. Do your best to start recognizing things that trigger your husband.  You also need some tools in your toolbox on how you can better respond when those triggers occur. 

I want to be clear that in most cases, your husband isn't doing it on purpose. He isn't trying to hurt you. He is just trying to stop feeling scared and somehow make sure that he is safe and not back in the past. It has even been described as kind of a mental takeover. Sometimes they don't even know that their response is coming from the past. If they don't know that they're being triggered, they will definitely not have the words to put towards telling you what is going on. 

 So knowing more about triggers and the emotions that result, what can you do when these emotions take over? 

- **Stay calm:**  Start to pay special attention to how someone from your husband's past responded to them that hurt and especially don't do that. If you know that your husband's childhood included a lot of anger, or the silent treatment or abandonment. Those are the things that you DO NOT want to do when you're feeling those emotions come on. 

 - **Do not take it personally** Remember that the trauma brain plays time and reality tricks on your partner and when a trigger happens. You are not to blame. You need to stop thinking that you did something wrong, and that instead it is these deep emotions from the past coming to the surface.

 - **Redirect the Emotion**  Once things have calmed down, it's important that you try to get your partner to place the anger not on you or not on the kids, but rather where it belongs.  That is anger towards the people who hurt them in the past. One thing you can try is when you see the fear in your husband's face and you are having an interaction, you can say something like “those bastards.” And this sometimes gets him back to the present and reminds them that they're safe now that you are not those abusers. That's where the anger DOES lie, not with you. If that doesn't seem like something you can do, it's just really important to come back to those feelings and talk to your husband about how it made you feel. Follow up with your husband about the emotions, where they're coming from, how it made you feel and how you can do things differently in the future for you to create new patterns. 

Questions to Reflect Upon:

1. What are the common triggers that seem to set off emotional roller-coasters in my partner?
2. How do I feel when my partner becomes irritable, lashes out, or becomes avoidant? What are my typical reactions?
3. What additional resources or support do I need to better navigate the complexities of a relationship with a trauma survivor?

Conclusion: 

Navigating a relationship with someone who has faced childhood trauma is a journey filled with challenges and learning. It's crucial to approach each situation with empathy, understanding, and patience. By reflecting on these self-assessment questions, you can gain deeper insights into the dynamics of your relationship and better support your partner in their healing process. Remember, while the trauma belongs to the past, your collective strength and resilience can shape a brighter, more understanding future. Seeking guidance, continuously educating oneself, and fostering open communication can pave the way for a stronger bond. In this journey, you're not alone, and together, with love and support, healing is possible.

I hope you found this helpful. I know firsthand how exhausting and confusing these huge swings in emotion can be. And the good news is that making some changes in your relationship doesn't have to be about major changes in lifestyle, but rather making some minor tweaks in how you respond and how you take care of YOURSELF. When I was struggling with my husband's healing, these are 100% the tools and advice I wish someone had given me and it's so liberating to have a plan to have advice on things to say that won't make things worse. 

I've learned these things the hard way, but I want to create a community of women with similar experiences so we can help each other. If you found this helpful, check out my website and sign up for my newsletter.  I have some exciting things planned in the future that I want you to know about!  Sign up Now!