Do your date nights just seem to never work out?

Do your date nights just never seem to work out? If this is the case, you're not alone. I'm Danielle Sebastian, and I've spent years using the communication techniques recommended by relationship experts. But being a partner of someone who has experienced childhood trauma is different, and some of these techniques may not be the best for your relationship.

Why Common Techniques Might Not Work

Let's talk about why I found this to be the case and why many of the other wives I work with experience the same thing. Then, I'll give you a few tips on how to tweak this relationship advice to work better for you.

Navigating a marriage or romantic relationship with a trauma survivor is different. You’ve probably tried everything to get more intimacy and closeness in your relationship – love languages, scheduled date nights, not going to bed mad – and yet, it feels like the intimacy isn’t getting any better.

Why could this be? If your partner had a traumatic past, they likely developed certain behaviors early on to cope with their chaotic, unpredictable, and harmful environment. While these behaviors were survival mechanisms that served them well in the past, they can be hurtful and even harmful in a loving adult relationship.

Understanding the Impact

For example, the love languages. While identifying love languages can help many couples, it might not work the same for a trauma survivor. The way they were shown and received love as a child was often so disrupted that they may struggle to comprehend having a love language. Pushing them to identify one can actually bring up painful triggers.

Another coping mechanism affecting date nights is control. Trauma survivors often feel the need to control their environment to feel safe. This isn't about controlling you; it's about protecting themselves. Forcing scheduled date nights can backfire. Instead, try making your time together more spontaneous. Wait for a good night when the mood is right, and things seem calm.

What Does Work for Getting Closer

Here are some tips that can help:

1. Spontaneity: Be ready for quality time together without scheduling it. Wait for a moment when everything feels right – your partner had a good day, the kids are calm, and there's no pressing stress. This can make your time together more enjoyable and effective.

2. Walks: Taking walks together can be very beneficial. It's a relaxed way to spend time together, and you can have great conversations while enjoying the outdoors. It feels less pressured because you're not staring at each other, just walking side by side.

3. Emotional Breaks: If your partner is triggered, understand that their emotions are very physical and not easily rationalized. Trying to have a serious conversation during this time won't be productive. It's better to wait until the emotional storm has passed before discussing important matters.

I hope this gives you some peace if you’ve been struggling with techniques that work in other relationships but not in yours. There are ways to navigate this if you get creative.

Stay Connected

If you found this helpful, please share it with someone else who might be struggling. Subscribe to my channel for more advice like this, or join my newsletter for blog updates. And I want to hear from you! What other questions do you have about how childhood trauma affects adult relationships? Please comment, and I’ll do my best to address them.

Thank you so much!