Breaking the Cycle of Self-Blame: Strategies for Partners of Trauma Survivors

Low self-esteem or self-loathing for a child trauma survivor are sad byproducts of the trauma they endured, but how this manifests in adult relationships is often misunderstood and can be very confusing for those of us who are supporting them through childhood trauma recovery.

Fear of Intimacy

A fear of intimacy is a common aftermath. The self loathing stemming from past trauma can make vulnerability feel incredibly dangerous to someone with a traumatic past.  This is because of the guilt, shame and humiliation that they have been living with for most of their life. They will be pushing you away so you don't peek into the deep shadow recesses of their heart and soul. This is often a forbidden place that very few will see. 

There may have even been signs of wanting to hide your from his past when you started dating.  Think about when you were both exchanging childhood stories.  One sign that this shame and guilt and blame could be something that is deeper for your husband would be that your husband may not have actually given you very specific answers about his childhood. You may have heard some very generic responses like “yeah, my childhood was very normal” or “it was fine.” My husband would say, “I don't remember much of my childhood at all.” 

However, after courtship this keeping you at arm's length can be very confusing, and it may take quite a while for your husband to feel like he can give you a peek behind that door. You may often feel like this is an indictment of you that you aren't worthy or good enough to be trusted with this information. 

But that really is not the case, and it actually has nothing to do with you at all. It is the survivors' feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy towards themselves that keep them closed off from others.

Anger

Another way this can play out in relationships is that men who take on irrational blame for their traumas can turn their anger inward on themselves, which may then result in self destructive patterns and a lifetime of punishment in their own minds. They may carry tremendous anger towards the abuser or abusers, which can often be misdirected if the anger is not effectively processed. 

In my blog last week, I talked about how this anger can play out in marriages and some things that you can do and tools that you can use to try and displace that anger back to where it belongs and away from you.

Not Taking Ownership

Another byproduct is that your husband may not want to feel like they're being blamed. This complex comes from the belief that the abuse was their fault. The abuser as a form of grooming could have pushed this belief on them, or it could be something that they created in themselves. 

This may play out in a relationship where your husband may not want to take ownership if things go wrong.  As a spouse you're thinking “Why can't my husband just apologize for that mistake” or “I'm not blaming him, it was just part of the situation”, but it can spiral out of control.   Knowing that this could be part of what happened to him in the past can help you try and deal with that in a more productive manner.

Fear of Abandonment

An ever present fear of abandonment might haunt them. They may think “if I hate myself so much, how can anyone else love me?”  Insecurities can manifest as jealousy, over dependency on the partner and even emotional distance.  This is all rooted in a deep seated belief of not being enough. 

When my husband and I would be in conflict, I would hear that he knew this was always how things were going to play out.  That he wasn't meant to be in a relationship, that he knew this was just a fairy tale that will come to an end at some point. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That if we find out what they are truly like and what is truly deep inside of them, that we will not want them anymore. 

Before we get to some ways that you can help someone who is in a cycle of self blame, I do want to just think about that child who had that traumatic event or events.  

We need to realize that it's not just about the trauma but how it's internalized. 

Their little brains are developing and traumatic events in childhood can disrupt normal brain development. Trauma actually leads to alterations in areas of the brain associated with emotion, regulation, fear, response and memory. Children often lack the tools to process the trauma and they will internalize and blame themselves. This internalization of the abuse can lead them to feeling it's their fault, that they deserve punishment for what happened.  Self destructive behaviors will result because of this internal conflict. This can result in substance abuse, extreme sports, sabotaging positive relationships. They may even choose a profession with this guilt in mind that they want to be a hero for someone but ultimately, the results of that profession could end in them leaving this world and no one would ever have to know what was deep inside them.

This is a lot!  However, for spouses and partners it’s not very apparent that the behaviors and this shame are connected. I want you to start thinking about how some of the behaviors that you may be seeing could be related to this shame and blame.  That is the first step.  

 The silver lining in all this is that this can be fixed and you can create better patterns. This self loathing can be put in its place by realizing that they are no longer in the past that they are now adults.  This self blame is doing them nothing towards getting to a happier and healthier place. 

 So what can YOU do as a partner or spouse, if you are in this cycle of self blame?

- ** Stop thinking it’s you! **  You ARE enough. You cannot change the trauma because it had nothing to do with you. It was present long before you.  The effects of his trauma are not directed at you personally and believe me, I know how personal it can feel as a partner!

 - **Help him acknowledge the blame that he's feeling for this trauma.** Don't say things like “I know how you feel.” This is a statement that is very dismissive and could potentially cause further trauma if they feel like they're being dismissed for their story or you are casting pity on them. Try telling them, “It wasn't your fault. You were just a kid.”

 - **Create a safe space. **  They need to feel safe to express their feelings without fear of criticism.

  - **Point out their positive qualities, past achievements and the lessons that they've learned from their mistakes. **  It is so important to shine a light on all of the good that they've done, of how far they've come, of how resilient they have been to get there this far. There is hope and things can get better!  You can shine a light on where you want your relationship to go and where it CAN go despite what happened to them in their past. 

Questions to Reflect Upon:

1. In what ways might I have misunderstood my partner's fear of intimacy as a personal slight against me?

2.  Do I recognize patterns of self-destructive behavior in my partner? How have I reacted to them?

3.  How can I ensure that my own emotions and needs are addressed while also being supportive of my partner's trauma recovery?

Conclusion: 

The intricate web of childhood trauma, though hidden deep within, often surfaces in unexpected ways, especially in the realm of adult relationships. Its manifestations - whether as an insurmountable fear of intimacy, deep-seated anger, an avoidance of responsibility, or an ever-present fear of abandonment - are not mere personal quirks. They are the echoes of traumatic experiences that have been internalized, misunderstood, and carried forward. As supporters, partners, and spouses, it is pivotal to approach these manifestations with understanding, patience, and empathy. The path to healing isn't linear, but with compassion and awareness, we can create an environment where growth, healing, and genuine connection can thrive.

Remember, the past casts a shadow, but it does not determine the future. With the right support and mindset, resilience shines through, paving the way for relationships that aren't just about surviving but truly thriving.

If this resonated with you, I encourage you to sign up for my newsletter where I tackle issues like this and things that you may be seeing in your relationship every single week. I am on a mission to bring wives and partners together who are supporting their husbands through trauma recovery and are experiencing a lot of things that they don't understand, so that we can help each other.  Sign up Now!