Are the Holidays Horrible for You?

While many of us look forward to spending quality time with our loved ones, it's important to remember that for some the holidays can be triggering, especially for those who have suffered childhood trauma. The holidays aren't just tough for those who have suffered and survived trauma, but for those of us that are supporting them.

My Story

I spent years having difficult holidays, before I really started to identify how the holidays were triggering, why they were triggering and coming up with some ways that helped us get through the holidays in a healthier way.

The things that I would experienced during the holiday seasons actually give me quite a bit of anxiety just thinking about them. The holidays seemed to bring out a lot of the emotions that my husband, during normal times, was able to cope with. We had a lot more arguments, my husband would withdraw more than normal. This is what I call "checking out" where my husband would just need to retreat away from the family and sometimes just retreat even from himself. It was really difficult because we would be planning activities like Christmas tree decorating and cookie making that I would want my husband to be a part of, and it just seemed like no matter what I did, we often had to cancel those things or do them on our own.

We went through these patterns year after year before I realized that the holidays were triggering for my husband.

To this day, he has not been able to verbalize why the holidays are triggering. But, I just had to realize that it doesn't really matter why the holidays are triggering for my husband, just that I need to be empathetic. I need to be patient.  I did find some things that we could do both together as a couple and as a family to make the holidays easier.

Why could the holidays be triggering for childhood trauma survivors?

First and foremost, family gatherings are often a central part of holiday celebrations. And with all of the wives that I have talked to of survivors, it seems like the relationship between external family members and the survivor are often very complicated. This could be that the family was complicit or that they've never seemed to understand the depth of the pain that the survivor have been through. But, being cheerful and in the holiday season around this can be very stressful.

Secondly, holiday traditions and expectations can bring back painful memories of past experiences. Decorations, songs, activities associated with the season, can serve as potent triggers bringing up emotions and memories that survivors would rather avoid and they often have a really hard time verbalizing this.

Third, the holidays can be a time of heightened stress and busyness. With the pressure to find the perfect gift, cook elaborate meals, attend the numerous social events, survivors may feel overwhelmed and struggled to cope with these added demands.

And fourth, it seems like normal schedules and things that survivors do to keep themselves healthy can go by the wayside during this time.  There may be more alcohol, change in mealtimes and food choices, less sleep and definitely more stress.

All of these things put together, and more that we will probably never understand, are why the holidays can be difficult.

Tips & Tricks

What are some of those things that you can do during the holidays to make things easier both for you and for the family?

- ** Be prepared**  Have a plan in place for what to do when your loved one is triggered. This can include an escape plan a safe space where they can retreat to if needed, or even a signal that they can use to communicate to you their distress discreetly. The key is to make them feel safe.

- **Focus on the basics**  I know this is tough with adults, but encouraging your husband to maintain some normal eating times. Engage in physical activities like walks and exercise and try to get enough sleep. These simple routines can provide the stability to reduce the stress during the holidays.

 - **Plan for the day** Before the holiday gathering, encourage your loved one to engage in self care activities that help them feel grounded and relaxed. Discuss setting boundaries with family members before arriving and ensure a safe and comfortable environment.  Additionally, plan breaks throughout the day. Have your husband take some naps or just sit in peace and recharge those things really help. 

 - **Self Rescue**  If things get too much, he needs to go outside, go to the bathroom anywhere that he can regroup and determine what steps he wants to take next. Whether that's continuing all the activities or calling it an early night.  Knowing that the holidays can be triggering and can be difficult for everyone in the family and knowing that you have his back is crucial.

Join Our Community for a Meaningful Holiday Journey!

If you're a wife navigating the holidays with a trauma-surviving partner, I'd love to hear your story. I'm hosting a series of Holiday Survival Webinars designed to share insights, gather your valuable questions, and learn from your experiences. Whether you've found strategies that work or are still searching for answers, your input is invaluable. Click the links below to sign up and become a part of our supportive network. Let's share, learn, and grow together for a safe and peaceful holiday season. Sign up Now!

Questions to Reflect Upon:  

1. How can I adapt holiday traditions to make them more comfortable for my husband, who is a trauma survivor?
2. In what ways can I support my husband's need for routine and boundaries during the busy holiday season?
3. What specific holiday activities can be modified or chosen to ensure they are sensitive to my husband's trauma?
4. How can I recognize and gently address my husband's signs of distress during holiday events and gatherings?

Conclusion: 

As we wrap up this discussion, it's clear that navigating the holiday season with a trauma-aware approach requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. By sharing our experiences and learning from each other, we can create a more inclusive and supportive environment for our loved ones who are trauma survivors. The insights and strategies discussed here are just the beginning. I encourage you to join our upcoming webinars for deeper conversations and more personalized advice. Together, we can make the holidays a time of healing and joy for everyone involved. Until we meet again, take care, extend kindness to each other, and here’s to a safe and peaceful holiday season for you and your loved ones.

Join me at my next "Surviving the Holidays" free webinar.  Isn’t it high time you felt like you knew exactly how you are going to get through the holidays?  Sign up Now!