4 Things Self-Help Books Don't Tell You About Trauma and Relationships

Truth time: Navigating marriage with a trauma survivor is different!

If you are at a loss with knowing what to do with a partner who's survived childhood trauma, you are not alone.  When you’re in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma (or suspect experienced trauma), you may feel like you are navigating an emotional minefield. Despite your best efforts, this just is not something that scheduling date nights and finding your love language will fix.  Self-help books and relationship guides often give us a good foundation for healthy relationships, but they can miss the nuances of being with someone who has survived trauma.  

 HOWEVER, even though relationships with partners who have a trauma history are different, that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find happiness! There are things you can start doing today to gain more control through the chaos.

So let’s talk about four critical aspects that partners need to understand, insights that delve deeper than your average relationship advice.

### 1. Decoding Old Survival Mechanisms

Your partner might have developed certain behaviors early on to cope with their environment—things like shutting down emotionally or avoiding conflicts at all costs. These were survival mechanisms once, but in a loving adult relationship, they can be out of place and even harmful. It's important to remember these aren't personal attacks on you. They’re deeply ingrained habits, and it will take patience and empathy from both of you to work through them and find new, healthier ways to connect.

### 2. Understanding the Need for Control

A common thread in many trauma stories is a loss of control, which might lead your partner to seek control in your relationship. They aren’t trying to dominate you, but rather to create a sense of safety that they didn't have growing up. This might show up in how they manage emotional closeness or how much they share about themselves. It can be confusing and even feel restrictive at times. Open conversations about each other’s needs and boundaries, handled with lots of compassion, are key to navigating this together.

### 3. When Pushing Away Means Protecting

Sometimes, trauma survivors push away the people they love most. It’s not that they don’t care about you; they might just be scared that getting too close could lead to more pain. It can be tough to deal with, especially when you’re all in. Recognizing that this behavior is driven by fear, not a lack of love, can help you approach the situation with more understanding. Supporting your partner through therapy, and showing that you’re there for them consistently, can make a big difference.

### 4. Handling Emotional Triggers

Triggers can bring out intense reactions that might seem over the top but remember, these reactions are rooted in past trauma, not the present moment. These can be the hardest moments for you as a partner, as you navigate through these intense emotional storms together. Learning not to take these reactions personally while providing a steady, calming presence can help both of you work through these triggers.

### Let’s Walk This Path Together

Loving someone with a traumatic past goes way beyond what’s in the self-help books. It's about having an open heart and an open mind, and being ready to face some tough challenges together. By understanding and addressing these unique aspects, you can build a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and a deep, enduring love. Remember, healing is a journey—one that can bring you closer in ways you never expected. Let’s embrace this path, together.

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**Take the Next Step: Free Resource Available!**

If you're finding this journey challenging and want more insights into how a traumatic past might be impacting your relationship, download Danielle's free guide, "How a Traumatic Past May Be Impacting Your Relationship." This resource is designed to help you understand more deeply the behaviors and needs of your partner, and equip you with strategies to support your relationship. **[Download your free copy now!]**