3 Sad Ways Being a Partner of Someone With a Traumatic Childhood Stops You From Having a Healthy Relationship

Today, we journey into the complex intricacies of love, relationships, and the profound impact of childhood trauma. Childhood is a foundational phase of human life - it is the bedrock of our emotional development and the period where we learn the essence of trust, love, and security.

However, what happens when this crucial phase is marred by trauma? The scars of a traumatic childhood can distort one's perception of relationships, primarily because these events can disrupt the natural progression of emotional and brain development. And while every survivor's story is unique, the imprints of pain and distrust are all too common among those who have faced neglect, abuse, or trauma in their formative years.

From my personal experience and those of many I've spoken to, there are three particularly poignant ways this trauma manifests in relationships:

1. **Trust Issues:**

Traumatic early experiences can make it hard for someone to trust as an adult, even those that they care deeply about. This protective mechanism may make them hesitant to share their feelings or even to be very suspicious of others.  As a partner, you may find that your husband has difficulty expressing his emotions, that he becomes suspicious of your actions or even your intentions.  It's not because they don't love or care about you. It's a defensive mechanism that they developed in order to survive their childhood. If someone's been hurt before, especially in those vulnerable childhood years, it's only natural for them to want to protect themselves from further heartbreak.

2. **Emotional Regulation Challenges:**

Unresolved trauma can leave someone on constant high alert, leading to intense reactions like anger, or impulsivity over seemingly small triggers. We now know that early childhood trauma does affect the brain, and this puts them on high alert for danger at all times. And this can magnify their anxiety and emotions to situations that others would find as normal. These outbursts are usually the direct result of those traumatic experiences where the person reacts defensively even when there's no present danger. 

3. **Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth:**

Survivors often look at themselves with disgust, shame or a feeling that they're unlovable. This shame and blame is really deep. And it took me quite a while to realize just how much my husband was suffering from feeling like he didn't deserve my love or the love of his family. And this came across in a very defensive way. What made it even worse, was that he had difficulty putting these feelings into words.  This feeling of unworthiness and disconnect can cause a ripple effect throughout your relationship. 

However, there's a silver lining!

While the journey may be challenging, it's not an immutable fate. My husband and I have been through the whirlwind of trauma's aftermath, and today we stand united, having navigated through the storm together.

Over the next few posts, I'll be sharing practical insights and strategies on addressing these manifestations. For now, let's focus on rebuilding trust:

- **Educate Yourself:** Grasp the intricacies of trauma. The more you understand, the more empathetic and effective you become in your interactions. Recognizing triggers can change the trajectory from spirals of distrust to paths of understanding. The good news is that the more that you get to know about the emotions and triggers in your particular relationship, the better you get at identifying them and finding healthier ways to deal with them. 

 - **Consistency is Key:** Be the rock your partner can lean on. Small gestures of reliability can create monumental shifts in fostering a sense of safety.  This is something that I  really did not understand the impact of.  That when I said I was going to be somewhere, I needed to be there.  If I said I was going to do something and I followed through, it made huge strides in us being able to create more connection and get closer.  Be consistent in maintain open communication with your husband, even when broaching potentially sensitive topics. Avoiding concealment of information, even if it might be triggering, demonstrates a commitment to transparency. This proactive sharing underscores mutual trust and fortifies the bond between you both.

 - **Avoid Assumptions:** Don't assume you know what they're feeling or experiencing. Instead, ask open ended questions and listen to their responses. You might need to release the expectation of having your partner articulate precisely what triggers them, why it does, and the emotions they feel. Sometimes, they might not have the words for their experiences. It's essential to be present, offering unwavering support and love, assuring them that your affection remains steadfast, regardless of the challenges. Let them voice their feelings without the pressure of 'whys'.

Questions to Reflect Upon:

Have you taken any steps to educate yourself about trauma and its effects on relationships? How has this knowledge (or lack of) affected your interactions with loved one?

Think about the most consistent person in your life. How does their reliability make you feel?

How comfortable are you in asking open-ended questions in challenging conversations? Can you recall a time when doing so led to a deeper understanding?

Conclusion: 

Navigating through this journey requires unwavering patience, compassion, and resilience. If our story resonates with your experience, I encourage you to stay tuned. In the upcoming sessions, we'll delve deeper into understanding emotional regulation and finding balance.

Thank you for being part of this narrative of hope and healing. If you wish to explore more, I invite you to subscribe to our newsletter for more insights and shared experiences. Remember, every roller coaster has its peaks and troughs, but with the right guidance, the ride can be smoother and more bearable.   Sign up Now!